he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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