Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
