There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
