My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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