I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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