is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
