im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
