Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
