"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
