dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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