I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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