I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
