I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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