Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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