From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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