Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she told me i tasted like america
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
