How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
