omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
