I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
