you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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