I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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