His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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