dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
