My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
