apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
