you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
