K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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