I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
