You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
