he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
