I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
4 words: hood of his car
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
