So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
two words: eviction party
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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