my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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