your parents love me but you hate me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
