turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
