There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
