John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
