You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
