the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just high enough for therapy.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
