you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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