I CAN MOONWALK!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
