she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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