A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
