coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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