Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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