I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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