I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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