Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My penis needs a shock collar
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
