I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
