So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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