I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
