why didn't you poke me back
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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