Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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