i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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