Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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