he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
this hospital has no fireball
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
