Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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