mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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