hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize