You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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