Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
