I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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