Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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