my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize