Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
