Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
